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| Joe Williams is a Certified Staff Chaplain with Community Hospice Inc. in Modesto, CA. |
I am proud and excited to introduce the newest member The Growth Network family- Chaplain Joe Williams. Joe is a graduate of Oakwood University and Andrews University with a Masters of Divinity. He has received extensive Clinical Pastoral training and now serves as a Certified Staff Chaplain for Community Hospice Inc. in Modesto, California. You can visit his website at www.chaplainjdub.com. The following (I'm sure) is the first of many posts from this gifted growth specialist. Enjoy, and be sure to give us your feedback.
A
friend of mine died from the flu after being sent home from the Emergency Room
the day before. My immediate reaction was not spiritual, holy or righteous. I
was angry and numb. I couldn’t sleep; concentrate or sit still. I was afraid of
sleeping because if it could happen to them, then surely it could happen to me.
Death has a way of taking away our (better
yet my) superhero complex. When Optimus Prime was killed in Transformers II:
Revenge of the Fallen, my mortality came to the surface and my goose bumps gave
way to tears. If my favorite hero can die, then what does that say about the
rest of us terrestrial creatures on planet earth?
Grief
has a psychosomatic reaction and it’s inherent to us human beings. When something
hurts us emotionally, our bodies react. Some people cry, some people acquiesce
and some people faint. I will give you a disclaimer: I am a “man of sorrows and
acquainted with grief.” I am around it everyday. I cannot hide from it if I
wanted to. I am fascinated by death. The study of death is called
“thanotology.” I’m sure you remember “Thanos” from the comic books. Studying
death academically doesn’t prepare one to face it in real life. My education
about death started before I had consciousness. I was two years old when my
mother was killed. Like the poet Langston Hughes writes, “Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.” Not that I need to prove
myself or show my “street cred”, but I know what grief looks like, feels like,
and even tastes like. There is a proverbial curve to it. However, I must tell
you that grief and its reactions are normal, human and healthy.
Like
I said, I am a man of sorrows personally and also professionally. I am a
hospice chaplain. I work with patients who aren’t going to recover, get better
or find a cure. My patients are in what we call, “the land of the dying.” So my understanding of death, dying and
grief is visceral. I have an academic and theoretical knowledge, but that is
only ten percent of my knowledge base. Ninety percent of my knowledge base
about sickness, death, dying and loss comes from my patients and families. They’re
my teachers, and I learn about them, but I also learn about myself. I wish
there was no need for hospice, but since people are born into this world, and
most (if not all) are going to die, we are their companions during their last
journey.
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| Stage 1 - Denial normally corresponds with shock & disbelief. |
One
doctor, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross set out to let patients be the teachers and
experts, kind of like in the movie “Patch Adams” starring Robin Williams, where
he got to know the patients personally. Health care is very scientifically and
disease focused, but, as one hospital put it, “we do not treat diseases, we treat people.” Instead of observing
them, she and other medical students interviewed them. The dying themselves are
primary sources instead of secondary sources. For those of you who took English
Composition, you know the difference. Through personal interviews, a Grief
Curve resulted in stages of grief. The first stage is denial.
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| Stage 2 - Anger flows as an expression of overwhelming negative emotions. |
For
me, denial is a strong emotion. It protects us from the full weight of the
sadness. For those of who have continued to read this far into the article, you
trust my words. Let me tell you, it is healthy to experience the entire range
of human emotion. They are healthy, human and normal. So often times, nurses
and doctors would call, albeit in the middle of the night, for a “demonstrably
emotive family member.” During my internship a doctor called me, while I was on
my way to church, because a young man was asked to make a decision about
disconnecting his mother from a ventilator: a machine that breathes for a
patient. The young man was experiencing what we call anticipatory grief. He
collapsed on my shoulders and said, “I’m not in the place of God. I don’t want
to kill mom.” He was in denial, which obviously gave way to (the second stage) anger.
When the doctors saw the denial and anger, they called me.
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| Stage 2 - Bargaining is usually is expressed toward God. |
After
the young man collapsed in my arms, he began (the third stage) bargaining, with
tears and cursing. “Please God, don’t take mama. I will do better. Please! Please!
Chaplain please pray that He don’t take her.” He then went into a shell and
didn’t talk to anyone. Ross would call this the (fourth) stage of depression,
which ultimately gave way to (the fifth stage) acceptance. I then went through
an ethical decision making process with the young man, and his family
discussing the patient’s wishes. Patients and family members experience this
curve because sickness affects everyone. I told them, “A decision made in love
is never the wrong decision.”
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| Stage 4 - Depression is a refusal to participate as a response to pain. |
I
will tell you a secret, many times when my staff calls me, it isn’t because of
the patient or family’s emotion but because of their own. They are experiencing
what we call vicarious or secondary trauma. Its like when you watch Law and
Order: Special Victim’s Unit or Criminal Minds, you experience the emotions of
the characters in the television show, indirectly. We are like sponges to our
environment sometimes, and we experience sadness too. In my own life, I have
faced this grief curve and its feels like a curve ball sometime. My mother,
brother, cousins, adoptive parents, classmates had died and in a way, they
abandoned me. Emotionally, that’s how we feel sometimes. Depending upon our
relationship intensity, my reactions will fluctuate. We had BBQ’s,
conversations, family outings and emotional bonds result. When they die, my
emotions feel “left out in the cold. They aren’t always pretty, neat and tidy.
Grief isn’t like a light switch that is turned on when the patient is dying,
but grief comes in waves and curves. It will overwhelm you at times, but you
are a normal person having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. We can’t
hide from ourselves, but we can deal with our hurts and losses in healthy ways.
It is my hope that you find a safe place for your grief, so you can find
healing for your soul.
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| Stage 5 - Acceptance is acknowledging one's inability to change the circumstances and resolving to move on with life. |
