Ministry to the Depressed

Over the past year I've done a ton of speaking, preaching, teaching, and writing about grief, suffering, and hardship. I did not choose this; it chose me. I had a member commit suicide in September of 2010. Then, in January of 2011 my father committed suicide. One year later, I travelled back to visit the family and celebrate survival and recovery, only to find that my dad's brother had committed suicide. So in January of 2012, they held the funeral; almost exactly a year to the day of my father's funeral. I started speaking out about suicide and depression, and every time I did I'd get more and more people coming to me to tell me their stories.

People are hurting, broken, wounded, and grappling for some semblance of help and hope. It can truly be overwhelming.  Shepherding is difficult enough when the sheep are healthy, it's nearly impossible when the sheep aren't well. It's terribly difficult to lead the flock to green pastures when many of them are crippled by depression and despair. Thus, I have learned, It's very important that the minister  does not become consumed with sickness and despondency.

I'll assume that as a minister, you sincerely care for those who hurt, and that you seek God in prayer for their prosperity. Yet, here are three simple keys to effective ministry to the depressed.

1. Provide specific life-work assignments.
2. Urge them to seek professional help.
3. DO NOT enable.

Now that you have the general idea of the keys, let's go back and take a bit of a closer look at each of them. 

1. Provide specific life-work assignments.

Depressed people are blinded by circumstance and drained dry of energy. They need encouragement and direction. Litter your counsel with bible promises and encouragement, but be specific and intentional about coaching them towards specific projects and goals. Pain, loss, grief, and suffering is transition time, and transition time is the perfect time to start a ministry, write a book, go back to school, and just do something new and different. Without specific goals and objectives things continue to fester and spoil. They have to get up, get out, and do something.

2. Urge them to seek professional help.

Often times the depression and hardship is so severe that not even the most charismatic character can encourage them. They need an environment and professional that is geared and trained to deal with these types of issues...and you are NOT it. Look for warning signs (i.e. suicide-speak, excessive drinking/drug use, etc.) that they need professional therapeutic care and do not hesitate to refer them. You are not God. Don't try to play hero with people's fragile lives.

3. Do NOT enable.

I recently heard an SDA chaplain say that God is extremely co-dependent. I wondered what made him say that. I'll ask him later. However, If it just so happened that God ever actually did become co-dependent...I'm sure it's because He can handle it. We can't. We cannot enable others because of our own insecurities and weakness. If a person refuses to pursue their goals, and they refuse to seek out help, then I for sure cannot help them. I must move on to those sheep who relish the leading of the shepherd.

There it is. Do this, and you will pour new life into the broken bodies of many ailing souls. There is no shortage of depressed people, but there is also no shortage of divine grace and power that can lift the weakest believer out of the doldrums of depression, despondency, and despair. For that's what he does. "He heals the brokenhearted and he binds up their wounds" (Ps. 147:3).

Endure the Pain; Cherish the Treasure (Growth Maxims Pt.3/Final)

Doing flows from being, and being flows from thinking.
"For as a man thinks in his heart so is he."  

A couple weeks ago I set out to answer this question about what to do when you're going through. I recognize that people need tools they can use and not simply platitudes and quips. Nevertheless, I also recognize that a great deal of what a person does flows from who he/she actually is. In other words, doing flows from being, and being flows from thinking. So, correct action flows from correct reflection. Therefore the first order of business when I'm "going through it" is to get my mind right. "For as a man thinks in his heart so is he" (Prov. 23:7). This is why I started this series about "Growth Maxims for Grieving." The goal is that we would first establish a philosophical framework (or mindset) for growth in the midst of hardship. So be sure to read my last post wherein I tried to really flesh out the first to maxims. Here we'll take a closer look at the last two. This is where it get's a little moe challenging. The third key is to endure the pain, and then the fourth and final key is to cherish the matchless treasure.

3. God's grace is more powerful than my pain.

Pain offers us perspective into the power
of God and His providence in our lives.

I have never been very fond of pain. I think I do have a pretty high threshold for pain. However, I do not enjoy or relish painful experiences. Fact is, I dont know anyone who does. There are those masochists and I suppose some others who do. Yet, in my opinion, no mentally and emotionally balanced person enjoys pain. Now I know a few bodybuilders and football players who seem to welcome pain because of the end-game of having endured it.  But, even with them, it is generally not the pain they enjoy, but rather the muscles that develop and the trophies that are won after having endured pain. The fact still stands, painful experiences are not desirable or fun. But I have learned that pain does offer great perspective. That if we are attentive in painful experiences, God's voice illuminates the points of power and providence that are vivid and radiant.

2 Corinthians 12 provides for us a very familiar case study toward this truth.  Paul is recounting an experience where God allowed him to suffer under a painful physical ailment. We don't have space here to explore this fully. But I want to highlight a portion of God's response. Paul said he prayed for relief from the pain multiple times, but in verse 9, God simply responds, "My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you" (2 Cor. 12:9a). Notice how God says, my power is made perfect in you. In other words:

Grace = DIVINE POWER + human weakness 

God's grace is made manifest through His divine power shining through us when we need it most. I was speaking to a good friend just this morning about an issue he's been dealing with for a couple months now. He was working on a big contract and the other party practically cheated im out of over $10,000.00. This whole thing stinks because he was counting on that contract to carry him through the season. However, in the midst of trying to recalibrate during this financial dry season, he calls his car loan company and finds out that because they've been paying extra on their car bill their ahead two whole payments and don't need to pay right now. That's grace. God always gives strength when an where we need it most.

4. God is the most precious possession. 

The more we circle through these types of cycles, the more we find that one thing is constant. I'm not always strong, but God always is. I don' always have the answers, but God always does. I don't always have the resources, but God always does. So what I need more than anything is God. God is truly the pearl of great price (see Matt. 13:45-47). He is the matchless treasure. He is my most precious possession. It reminds me of that gospel song Vickie Winans sang, "As long I got King Jesus I don't need nobody else."

I don't necessarily ascribe to all the ideas in the song, however, the general premise is true. God is the most precious possession and faithful friend one can have. No one likes pain. And no one likes to lose (that is people or possessions). But the reality is, nothing in this life lasts forever. If you live, you will love, and when you love, you will lose. But the eternal God will never leave us nor forsake us (see Heb. 13:5). The grass whithers and the flower fades, but the word of the Lord stands forever (see Is. 40:8). As long as you've got God, you're on the winning team. The score board might not reflect it right now, but trust me, we're gonna win.

Stop Complaining Start Praying (Growth Maxims Pt.2)

Commit to stop complaining and start expressing your
thankfulness for everything that is good in your life.

A few days ago I posted the first part of this and promised that I would give explanations as to how they work, so here it is. I am convinced that anyone who applies these principles will find the process of pain, loss, and grief to be be very fruitful and productive. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. So here we go

1. Complaining poisons my perspective.

Two verses, one concept. "In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you" (1 Thess. 5:18). "Rejoice in the lord always, and again I say rejoice"(Phil. 4:4).

The verses are very clear and the concept is very simple. Stop complaining and be grateful. It's very easy to say, but not so easy to do. But the reason why this is so important is also very simple and clear. No matter what has happened to you, whether you have lost a loved one through death, whether divorce, car accident, sickness, lay-off, lawsuit, or some other terrible circumstance; it could be so much worse. I lost my dad last year, and the way in which I lost him made the circumstances so much more devastating, but then I met this lady just a few weeks ago who in the span of a few months lost her mom, dad, and husband. True story. Losing my dad was hard, but the thought of losing all three of them at once is too much to stomach.  I couldn't imagine losing my mom right now. And I won't even attempt to think what I would do without my wife. So again no matter what's going on, it could be so much worse.

Imagine for a moment what its like to have been born in abject poverty of a third-world country. The images abound of young orphans scavenging for food in the landfills. Their entire day is one long quest to find food and survive. Then there are the countries where the ravages of war are constantly tearing communities, villages, and families apart. Imagine what it's like to live under the constant threat of tyranny, disaster, and the impending doom of war. No matter where you are, it could so much worse.

Commit to stop complaining! A couple years ago I started this campaign at my church where I said we were "campaigning against complaining". That's it! We have be determined to restrain ourselves from the temptation to complain. No matter what we have or where we are we can be thankful and grateful for something. Even in hardship and difficulty there is something to be grateful for. Even in death I can be thankful for the memories and the life that was. Even if the person who died was not a personal of good moral standards, we can be grateful for the lessons that we learned from their life. It is a stretch, I know, but that's what a commitment to gratefulness requires; scrounging for the glimmer of goodness and hope to celebrate with rather than focusing on the negative.

2. Prayer positions us for peace.

Instead of complaining to/with your
friends, commit to praying with them.

This second one is closely related to the first. Misery loves company. So when we're having a rough spell we'll call up one of our friends and vent to them. The problem is, that's normally where we'll spiral into a negative spirit. Our friends chime in and we go back and forth with the toxic talk. Venting to our friends is complaining. Venting to God is prayer. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes it can be healthy to call up a friend and get it all out the system. But once I get it out, then my next move (especially if I have a godly friend) is to turn to God in prayer and lay all my burdens at His feet. The true friend will do just that. "Okay, I hear what you're saying. So let's pray." We need to pray and trust that God knows, God hears, and God answers.

However, there is a formula for prayer that is extra significant here. "Be careful (anxious) for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known unto God" (Phil. 4:6). It's so important to lay everything before God, to "pray without ceasing," and let every stressor be given over to God (1 Thess. 5:17). But it's just as important that when we pray and lay our burdens down that we would thank God and acknowledge what he has already done. We must pray with thanksgiving so that the work of God is always prominent focus. Our focus is nor primarily what we want or how we feel, but rather who God is, what He's done, and what He wants. We are blessed, and our prayers should always reflect our gratefulness more than our gripes.

In the next post I will deal with the last two. As for now, take these two and call me in the morning. I challenge you to do them and watch how your joy will flourish in the midst of hardship.

30 Years 30 Lessons

Today I celebrated my 30th birthday. ♪♫Happy Birthday to me! ♪♫Happy Birthday to me!♪♫...

I am always very reflective on my birthday, but this one even more so (for obvious reasons). I've been thinking quite a lot about my own development and so I thought I might compile a list of proverbs, concepts, maxims, and ideas that have become valuable to me on my journey. I thought to spend this entire week leading up to today reminding myself and sharing with others these wonderful truths that I have gained so much from. Thus I spent the entire week tweeting and facebooking (is that a word???) about them. Many of you have responded and expressed thanks and even requested the entire list. Well, here it is. I must add that this is by no means an exhaustive list. There are so many wonderful lessons I've been given over the years and I have listed here a mere sampling. I struggled to determine which ideas I might include and which should be set aside for another time (like say...40 at 40). Nevertheless, feel free to take them, share them, and make them your own. More importantly, use them in you growth journey, As I have in mine. Even as I wrote them and I review them I am reminded of how far I still have to travel. He's still working on me. So then let's grow together. Here's 30 lessons from 30 years.

1. Mentors are like living cheat sheets. Use them often.
2. Academic preparation is like sharpening a knife. You don’t have to do it, but it’s so much easier if you do.
3. The Bible is the most entertaining, intellectually stimulating, and spiritually invigorating book you will ever read. Read it often.
4. Everyone who follows you, accepts your friend request, works with you, talks to you and smiles at you, is not your friend.
5. You don’t have to be an expert at everything, but you should be in expert in something and then know a lot of other experts.
6. Be Nice! People will do anything for you if they like you.
7. Concerning love, be patient. In time you will either grow closer together or further apart.
8. Sex is not for kids (people who don’t pay their own bills). Unmarried Adults have more resources to deal with the consequences. Kids don’t.
9. The people who are cool in real adult life are usually not the people who were cool in high school.
10. We have 2 eyes and 2 ears and 1 mouth so that we can watch, listen, and learn twice as much as we speak up b/c we already know the answer.
11. If you make this decision now, think how will it affect your life 5 mins, 5 days, 5 mos., and 5 yrs from now.
12. Readers are leaders. Writers are fighters.
13. You're a sucker if you don't save. Debt is slavery. Stop begging banks for money.
14. In marriage, appreciation goes a long way. Say thank you.
15. A lot of what we think is love is actually lust, or at least infatuation.
16. Setting goals is a lot like writing history before it happens.
17. Plan your work and work your plan because those who fail to plan, plan to fail.
18. School & work are investments into your own future. Your work seals your wealth.
19. Devotion is like breakfast. You can eat it anytime, but it's best in the morning.
20. God is never in a rush for anything. Jesus never ran anywhere. Be patient.
21. Complaining is contagious. Don’t contaminate the air.
22. The best sex is actually a really deep private conversation (between married people) that turned into body language.
23. Do your best to say the right thing, the right way, at the right time.
24. Do your best to be in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, for the right reason.
25. Family first. If you die your employer will just replace you; your spouse and kids can’t live without you.
26. Children need answers to two major questions (1) am I loved? and (2) can I do whatever I want?
27. Children are little mirrors. They’re also our little teachers (it just stinks when they think they know more than adults).
28. Straight A’s come from diligence, not genius. Anybody can earn them.
29. Know it alls are sometimes impressive, usually ignorant, but always annoying. Don’t be one.
30. Fear no-body and no-thing. God is in control.

Growth Maxims for Grieving

Me along with J.R. and his media manager Cynthia Snyder
J.R. exhibits a kind of radiance and resilience that is very rare.

A few weeks ago I sat down with 2011 Dancing with the Stars champion J.R. Martinez and we talked about his life, his struggles, and his victories. I wrote an article about our exchange which will appear in an upcoming issue of Message Magazine. After I wrote the article the editor contacted me and said, "We need a practical component to your piece. We have to add some practical tips to help people get through their rough spots. What makes J.R. tick? How did he overcome adversity?" My reply was, "Great idea!" And back to the drawing board I went. If you wanna know more about his life, check out my previous post about his story. If you want his secret tips, you're gonna have to get the magazine when it comes out and read the article.

Nevertheless, I recognize great value in the venture. People need tools they can use. After a tragic event they ask the question, "What am I supposed to do now?" I hear you loud and clear and I want to equip you to grow while you're grieving. So I'm going to offer you four principles for processing pain, or rather four growth maxims.

4Growth Maxims for Grieving

1. Complaining poisons my perspective.
2. Prayer positions me for perfect peace.
3. God's grace is more powerful than my pain.
4. God is the most precious possession.

There you have it! Pretty simple, yet powerful concepts that will help ensure that you're growing through it when you're "going through it." Over the next couple posts I'll flesh them out so that you can get a good idea of how they work. Until then, keep going and keep growing. 

FLIGHT

Yesterday, my wife and I celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary. Among my gifts to her was a night off to do whatever she wanted to do--whether shopping, talking, or skydiving, the night was hers to decide. We left our son with some friends for a few hours and off we went. After dinner, she made her choice. "I wanna see a movie." And so despite the fact that movie-going is not on my idea list for anniversary date night...off to the movies we went.  There was not much that we cared to see so we chose the newest film starring Denzel Washington, Flight. I remember seeing the preview and thinking to myself, that looks good. But boy was I unprepared for the emotional roller-coaster that this film was gonna take us on.

On the surface, flight is about well...flight...and (in particular) a gifted airline pilot named Whip Whitaker (Washington) and his heroics in a plane crash, but the movie is really about addiction and how that same pilot (gifted as he is) is a reckless, yet functional alcoholic, and drug addict. I was disturbed that I related to this concept all too well. I have known many functional drug addicts, but I was unaware of the depth of difficulty of such a thing until I met my father.

(Even now I am reluctant to share this, but I write with the hope that someone might benefit.)

I met him in 2004 and as we parted from this our first real meeting, he asked me to borrow $10 and then for a ride to a seedy neighborhood.  I dropped him off with a puzzled look, but without a second thought. I was just happy to finally meet the man. Hindsight is 20/20. He was battling a serious drug habit, yet was surprisingly functional. At the time he was serving in the student life department at Morris Brown College (an HBCU) and when it lost its accreditation he moved on to Morehouse College. As far as I know the bottom fell out in 2006 when his dad (my grandfather) died in 2006. I don't know all the details but I do know this. When you mix broken relationships, unemployment, grief, depression, and drug addiction, you get a dangerously deadly cocktail. Back to Denzel and Flight.

There was a very strong theme in the movie that suggested that the plane crash was "an act of God." Then, a number of characters (on numerous occasions) attempt to put it in perspective for him suggesting that the tragedy made manifest God's intention to save his life and help him save others.

I wanna take a second to clear up one thing; especially in the wake of the terrible tragedy in Newton, Connecticut last week. God does not cause disaster, tragedy, and trauma. Nevertheless, with limitless power He is able to orchestrate all events so that it may result in greater good than grief (see Rom. 8:28).  God is a big boy. He can handle the accusations and blame leveled at Him by those who know Him least. But that still does not make Him distant, vindictive, malicious, or maniacal.
(Narrator steps down off of soapbox)

Now back to Flight.

I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it, but would like to see it.  However, I will say that this was the most vivid portrayal of the dynamism of addiction than I have ever seen. I highly recommend it. It is very difficult to watch in that it has some very "graphic" scenes, but it is still a very important and powerful story. I fear that I will actually spill the beans, and so I should probably go ahead and close this, but let me first say this. Over the past few months, I have been doing a lot of writing and work about trauma, grief, and the like. I am convinced that God can use any event or experience to take us to higher heights and to draw us closer to Himself.

My father Charles T. Charlton Jr. pictured
here ca.1982, committed suicide on 1/4/11. 

There are so many unanswered questions I have about Whip. What led him to drink? Why couldn't his family help him? How did he fall so far? Why didn't he get help sooner? But I think that's the point of the movie. Those questions are left unanswered to inorder to painstakingly illustrate what rock-bottom looks like. And so with that said I must say, if you are experiencing difficulty coping with life and the hand that you've been dealt, please get help. If it's something considerably small (yet difficult still) like worrying or doubt, talk to someone like a friend or family member. If the trouble is more serious like insomnia or depression, or even more serious as with drug abuse or domestic violence, please seek professional support. Take it from me, there are many people who will thank you later.

When my father committed suicide it rocked our family. No one close to him could say that they didn't know he had some struggles, but we were all still shocked and devastated by losing him. We all still miss him, and we wish he could've gotten the help he needed. He would have loved to see how smart little Christopher is becoming.  He did see me get my masters degree, but when I receive me my doctorate, he wont be in the stands. He can no longer visit me on spring break. And I can no longer call him when the class assignments are piling up. You can get help. You can win at life. You can beat this thing...no matter what it is.

Your wings have been clipped by circumstance and tragedy, but you can...you will learn to fly again. You've been grounded and your flight delayed because of the the things you have done and because of the things that have happened to you, but maybe God allowed it because He wants to teach you how to truly fly high. You just wait and see. "But they that wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint" (Isaiah 40:31). God specializes in bringing good out of your grief. He loves to see you gain victory over hardship. He longs to get you your wings back. He wants to get you back to FLIGHT.

Trauma to Triumph

J.R. Martinez went from watching his hands melt in a burning
humvee, to delivering messages of healing to burn victims.

You've probably heard of J.R. Martinez.  Maybe you saw him win the 2011 season of ABC's Dancing With the Stars. Or maybe you've seen him on TV shows like All My Children and General Hospital. Or maybe you've read his new book, Full of Heart. But above all of that, you've probably seen him on one of the countless news channels that covered his personal story.  

In February of 2003, while serving in the Iraq War, Martinez was driving a humvee during a routine mission when it hit an IED. After the initial explosion, he was trapped in the vehicle where he recounts seeing the skin on his hands melting in the blazing fire.  He was rushed to Ramstein Air Force Base in Germany for emergency care then to military's own special unit for research and treatment of burn victims at the San Antonio Military Medical Center in San Antonio, Texas.  There he underwent a grueling three-year therapeutic and reconstructive process. 

Today, in addition to his writing and tv show appearances, he travels the country giving motivational speeches, and volunteering his service to burn victims and wounded soldiers. This year he also celebrated the birth of his daughter Lauryn Annabelle. You've probably hear of him, but you probably havent heard of Gerald Bailey.   

Gerald Bailey (right) pictured with group commander
when he received the purple heart for combat injury. 

Martinez and Bailey were both a part of Fort Campbell's 101st Airborne Division, 2nd Battalion, 502nd Infantry Regiment. The only difference: Martinez was assigned to Delta company, while Bailey was assigned to Charlie company.  Nevertheless, they were brothers in arms.  And in December of 2003, just months after Martinez's horrific accident, Bailey was terribly wounded in battle.  His team was performing a raid on a safe-house in Mosul, Iraq, in search of a known insurgent leader.  Bailey helped his team over the compound wall, then kicked in the door where through his night vision goggles he saw an enemy insurgent armed with an AK-47 assault rifle. 

Bailey was shot and the bullet travelled through the side of his neck and lodged in his right shoulder. He too was life-flighted to Germany where doctors performed emergency surgery. From there, he was taken Walter Reed Army Hospital in D.C. where he would undergo numerous subsequent surgeries. 

Today, he has retired after twenty years of service, but he stays close by Fort Campbell where he assists soldiers who were injured in battle, and those who suffer from PTSD associated with war through a support group called Wounded Warriors. He and his wife Bernadette have four children of their own, but they also serve as surrogate parents to numerous at-risk children through foster parenting.

Keyon Dooling recently shocked the basketball world when
he abrutly ended his NBA career, citing he needed healing.

You've also probably heard of Keyon Dooling.  He's not the most recognizable star, but a familiar face to any NBA fan nonetheless.  He's spent over twelve years on the world's biggest basketball stage, as a utility guard for teams like the Orlando Magic, L.A. Clippers, Milwaukee Bucks, and most recently the Boston Celtics.

Dooling made national news recently when he abruptly retired from the NBA after a nervous breakdown and a short stint in a psychiatric hospital.  He later revealed that he has long suffered with pent-up anxiety from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. He cited years of masking and helping others without himself being helped that led to his breaking point.  After weeks of treatment, ongoing therapy, medication, and a praying wife, Latosha, Dooling is back in the locker room.  This time not as a player, but as the Boston Celtics' newly appointed Director of Player Development.  

Dooling has long been seen as a big brother in the locker room for younger players. He gives them advice about everything from making it in the league, to finances, to helping them deal with their personal problems. Now he gets to do that full time. He's also spending lots more time speaking out about abuse and trauma on TV shows and at public events.  

After losing both parents and suffering terrible abuse,
Joe Williams has dedicated his life to healing others.

Again, Keyon Dooling is not a superstar, but he's known for being an efficient utility guard.  He reminds me a lot of Joseph Williams. Williams has a pretty sharp basketball skills too.  He's a smooth ball handler and a nifty scorer. He's not an NBA vet like Dooling, but they're both hoopers, and they both suffered childhood abuse.

He was only 2 years old when his mother was murdered by another woman. Right after his mother was killed, his father abandoned him and he was taken in by a lesbian couple. That's where the abuse took place. Then there are stories of running away, foster homes, group homes, detention centers, and even an attempted suicide. In his own words, "It was a mess."

Today he is a certified staff chaplain for Community Hospice Inc. in Modesto, CA. He frequently posts stories of care and healing from his experiences on his webpage. In addition to that he can regularly be found in various pulpits throughout the central California area preaching the word of God.  He is indeed a wounded healer.

From J.R. Martinez, to Gerald Bailey, from Keyon Dooling to Joe Williams, the world is filled with men and women who have suffered great terror and trauma only to experience God's miraculous power of providence, healing, and restoration. Yet, these are not the first nor the last. They serve as reminders of men and women of ancient times who have also suffered extreme test, trial, and trauma. The three Hebrew boys were thrown into a flaming furnace. Daniel was thrown into a lion's den. David had to escape for his life from King Saul. And Mephibosheth was dropped as a baby and paralyzed from the waist down.  There were so many others Joseph, Job, Jeremiah, Paul...the list goes on and on.  

But the most compelling story of all, is that of Jesus Christ. He was falsely accused and arraigned in a kangaroo court. Then he was brutally whipped until the flesh was hanging from his body. He was sentenced to die even though they had not proved him guilty. They forced him to carry a criminal's cross uphill, and there they nailed his hands and feet to the splintering wood and hung him there in presence of the townspeople and passers-by.  He hung his head, died, and was buried in a borrowed tomb. But that's where the story get's really good because on Sunday morning he rose from the dead. And it is his triumph over death that makes our triumph after trauma possible.