In Memory of the Late Great Jarret Wade

Jarret's last 6 months is a reminder of how precious life is. Not only that, but the perspective and resolve  that the good life requires. Learn some lessons from a young brother who lived life a short, yet full life.

Read about his journey here: http://survivingcancersoon.wordpress.com/

Ingredients for Growth

By Akua Boateng, M.S.

I love peace lilies. They're lush, green, and they flourish rapidly. When placed in your space they provide a sense of beauty and tranquility. These as well as other plants often remind me of our emotional growth. Growth indicates the development of something from a lower or simpler to a higher or more complex form. Everybody wants to grow, to be their “best self” or even to achieve some type of emotional “centeredness.” This may describe you. I believe that in any growth process there are some essential ingredients to begin the development. The 3 essentials are these:

  

1. Environment for Expansion  

Every plant needs space to expand and grow.
Ensure that your environment allows that space. 

One of my peace lilies began growing rapidly and looked amazing. I was amazed and excited believing that it was my awesome green thumb. Then suddenly it began to die, and I could not understand why. I was watering it and caring for it in the same way. I found that the reason it was not growing was because it lacked the space needed for its expansion. To grow emotionally, we need the right environment.  The space that once assisted in your expansion may need to be altered and revisited. Some of us need to choose bigger goals, better friends, or even new career strategies. You may not currently fit your new vision (space) however give yourself the space to grow into it.

2. Mistakes Equal Education

Mistakes help us to identify the areas where
we need pruning and new growth. 

Mistakes are essential in the growth process in order to constantly build upon our personal knowledge base. Innovation comes from learning to be wrong in order to find clarity. We learn from bad relationships, failed attempts at reaching a goal, or the consequences of never trying. Emotional healthy individuals learn from their mistakes and use them as education.

3. Aspiration Breeds Motivation

Dreams and aspirations help you
to see yourself as you intend to be.

The bible speaks of the idea of writing a vision. Aspirations help us to see ourselves in the future without qualifying evidence of its presence. We grow and expand our borders through dreaming the unimaginable. Knowledge that you are worthy of this is essential, and faith to believe beyond your current resources and abilities is key. Write down an aspiration for your future. Watch to see how you instinctively will rise to meet it. In your emotionally low times, this will be your motivation to keep moving forward.

As we embark on this journey of growth, I believe you will begin to see new opportunities for the new and greater in your life. These are essentials for growth broadly…next time we will dive into the emotional implications of these prerequisite steps. 

 Akua Opoku-Boateng is a clinical therapist  in Northeast Alabama. She has a passion for seeing individuals experience emotional restoration. Read her full bio here. Otherwise, follow her on Twitter @kweeOlogy, and be sure to look for more of her posts on emotional growth regularly here on The Growth Network blog.

Faith is God-Focus

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen.

                                                                     -Hebrews 11:1 KJV      

I love the Bible! It is so simple yet so deeply profound. It contains some of the most simple and practical proverbs for direct application to our lives. Nevertheless, it also provides some of the deepest, intellectually stimulating concepts. Here is one of those more stimulating concepts. This one is not simple. It is very nebulous and ethereal, yet very real and powerful nonetheless. 

I feel the need to try to bring this concept to life. So here are a a few simplified visuals of the text. 

What's inside the egg? A baby chicken right? Or at least the makings for what can/will become a baby chicken. Faith is accepting the reality of the chicken that is to come even though all that we can see is the hard shell of an egg.  There are those who see the glass as half-empty. They argue that the egg could be rotten, the chicken could be dead. It might never hatch. Things will never work out. Nothing ever works out for me. I always get the short end of the stick. Faith simply sees a healthy baby chicken.

Here's another example that I'm sure many of you can relate to directly. 

This is a picture of my wife at the doctor's office right after a routine check-up when she was about seven months pregnant with our son. While he was still in the womb, Christopher would respond to our voices, to our songs, and even when we touched his mommy's stomach. He would kick, push, and nudge back. Faith is the kicks and pushes that serve as evidence of what I cannot actually see.

There are those who worry, but what if the baby is sick? What if we lose him? He might have a birth defect. He might be deformed. Something bad might happen in the delivery room. The donators might make a mistake. Faith simply sees a beautiful, bouncing, baby boy. 

Faith is God-focus. It is a the determination to lock in on that baby chick even though all I have right now is an egg. It is the conviction that my son will be here anyway now event though I've never actually seen his face. it is focusing on God even though all of the facts, details, proof, information, logistics, resources, and strategies are already in place.

So here's the million dollar question: Where is your focus? Is it on what you can't see, or is it on your God? Is it on your problems or your God. Is it on the need or is it on The Provider. Determine in your mind that you will focus on God and His promises rather than your problems and present circumstances.

The Five Stages of Grief

Joe Williams is a Certified Staff Chaplain with
Community Hospice Inc. in Modesto, CA.

I am proud and excited to introduce the newest member The Growth Network family- Chaplain Joe Williams. Joe is a graduate of Oakwood University and Andrews University with a Masters of Divinity. He has received extensive Clinical Pastoral training and now serves as a Certified Staff Chaplain for Community Hospice Inc. in Modesto, California. You can visit his website at www.chaplainjdub.com. The following (I'm sure) is the first of many posts from this gifted growth specialist. Enjoy, and be sure to give us your feedback. 

A friend of mine died from the flu after being sent home from the Emergency Room the day before. My immediate reaction was not spiritual, holy or righteous. I was angry and numb. I couldn’t sleep; concentrate or sit still. I was afraid of sleeping because if it could happen to them, then surely it could happen to me.  Death has a way of taking away our (better yet my) superhero complex. When Optimus Prime was killed in Transformers II: Revenge of the Fallen, my mortality came to the surface and my goose bumps gave way to tears. If my favorite hero can die, then what does that say about the rest of us terrestrial creatures on planet earth?

Grief has a psychosomatic reaction and it’s inherent to us human beings. When something hurts us emotionally, our bodies react. Some people cry, some people acquiesce and some people faint. I will give you a disclaimer: I am a “man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” I am around it everyday. I cannot hide from it if I wanted to. I am fascinated by death. The study of death is called “thanotology.” I’m sure you remember “Thanos” from the comic books. Studying death academically doesn’t prepare one to face it in real life. My education about death started before I had consciousness. I was two years old when my mother was killed. Like the poet Langston Hughes writes, “Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.” Not that I need to prove myself or show my “street cred”, but I know what grief looks like, feels like, and even tastes like. There is a proverbial curve to it. However, I must tell you that grief and its reactions are normal, human and healthy.  

Like I said, I am a man of sorrows personally and also professionally. I am a hospice chaplain. I work with patients who aren’t going to recover, get better or find a cure. My patients are in what we call, “the land of the dying.” So my understanding of death, dying and grief is visceral. I have an academic and theoretical knowledge, but that is only ten percent of my knowledge base. Ninety percent of my knowledge base about sickness, death, dying and loss comes from my patients and families. They’re my teachers, and I learn about them, but I also learn about myself. I wish there was no need for hospice, but since people are born into this world, and most (if not all) are going to die, we are their companions during their last journey.

Stage 1 - Denial normally
corresponds with shock & disbelief.

            One doctor, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross set out to let patients be the teachers and experts, kind of like in the movie “Patch Adams” starring Robin Williams, where he got to know the patients personally. Health care is very scientifically and disease focused, but, as one hospital put it, “we do not treat diseases, we treat people.” Instead of observing them, she and other medical students interviewed them. The dying themselves are primary sources instead of secondary sources. For those of you who took English Composition, you know the difference. Through personal interviews, a Grief Curve resulted in stages of grief. The first stage is denial.

Stage 2 - Anger flows as an expression
of overwhelming negative emotions. 

            For me, denial is a strong emotion. It protects us from the full weight of the sadness. For those of who have continued to read this far into the article, you trust my words. Let me tell you, it is healthy to experience the entire range of human emotion. They are healthy, human and normal. So often times, nurses and doctors would call, albeit in the middle of the night, for a “demonstrably emotive family member.” During my internship a doctor called me, while I was on my way to church, because a young man was asked to make a decision about disconnecting his mother from a ventilator: a machine that breathes for a patient. The young man was experiencing what we call anticipatory grief. He collapsed on my shoulders and said, “I’m not in the place of God. I don’t want to kill mom.” He was in denial, which obviously gave way to (the second stage) anger. When the doctors saw the denial and anger, they called me.

Stage 2 - Bargaining is usually
is expressed toward God. 

            After the young man collapsed in my arms, he began (the third stage) bargaining, with tears and cursing. “Please God, don’t take mama. I will do better. Please! Please! Chaplain please pray that He don’t take her.” He then went into a shell and didn’t talk to anyone. Ross would call this the (fourth) stage of depression, which ultimately gave way to (the fifth stage) acceptance. I then went through an ethical decision making process with the young man, and his family discussing the patient’s wishes.  Patients and family members experience this curve because sickness affects everyone. I told them, “A decision made in love is never the wrong decision.”

Stage 4 - Depression is a refusal to
participate as a response to pain.

I will tell you a secret, many times when my staff calls me, it isn’t because of the patient or family’s emotion but because of their own. They are experiencing what we call vicarious or secondary trauma. Its like when you watch Law and Order: Special Victim’s Unit or Criminal Minds, you experience the emotions of the characters in the television show, indirectly. We are like sponges to our environment sometimes, and we experience sadness too. In my own life, I have faced this grief curve and its feels like a curve ball sometime. My mother, brother, cousins, adoptive parents, classmates had died and in a way, they abandoned me. Emotionally, that’s how we feel sometimes. Depending upon our relationship intensity, my reactions will fluctuate. We had BBQ’s, conversations, family outings and emotional bonds result. When they die, my emotions feel “left out in the cold. They aren’t always pretty, neat and tidy. Grief isn’t like a light switch that is turned on when the patient is dying, but grief comes in waves and curves. It will overwhelm you at times, but you are a normal person having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. We can’t hide from ourselves, but we can deal with our hurts and losses in healthy ways. It is my hope that you find a safe place for your grief, so you can find healing for your soul. 

Stage 5 - Acceptance is acknowledging one's inability to change
the circumstances and resolving to move on with life. 

Sexual Violence & Domestic Terrorism

I'm currently attending the very first week of intensive courses and lectures for my doctoral degree at United Theological Seminary. The theme for the week is Domestic Violence and Human Trafficking. I've been cringing as I've heard some of the stats that the preachers and lecturers have shared. Here's just a few:

• 1 in 3 women have suffered domestic abuse
• 12-27 million people victimized in the human-trafficking trade will never gain their freedom.
• The NFL's annual Super Bowl is the US event with the highest rate of human trafficking incidents.

There have been at least three presentations concerning a specific story taken from Judges 19. There isn't adequate space here to give a full explication of the story. My recommendation is that you click here and read it in its entirety. Be sure to focus on verses 22-30.

After reading this text again and hearing the presentations, I am brimming with questions and issues to explore.  I'll do my best to simplify my musings with 3 observations.

Observation #1: The Bible specifies that the men who came to the house were "wicked" and "vile," yet, to me, the old man seems to bear the greater guilt because he offered to throw his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to the townsmen. The old man then represents the people who benefit most from human trafficking (pimps, corporations, and other people in power), by offering the "services" of the powerless for sake of their own economic, political, and social advancement.

Observation #2: The townsmen never requested the "use" of the woman, but they took advantage of this consolation prize anyway. They were relentless and vicious in their abuse against her despite the fact that they had no interest in her at all. I think the situation illustrates the psychosis behind violence and sexual perversion. People who will commit these "senseless acts of violence"are obviously in a state of mental and emotional imbalance where reason and morality are not primary sources of survival.  This is terrorism...when "hurt people, hurt people."

Observation #3: There is no relief for the girl and technically no justice for the crimes committed against her. In the following chapter, revenge is taken, but the old man who initiated her attack is never held acountable. It speaks to the issue of classicism, racism, chauvinism, and the like. She is taken advantage  of because (as a lowly concubine), she's not even an official wife. She's a maid/servant that comes with fringe benefits. She's never even named in the text. She's faceless and nameless and thus meaningless.

God help us to (1) refuse to perpetuate the violence against the ones in our care, (2) identify dangerous methods of thinking and managing life's challenges, and then to (3) recognize the value of every individual and commit to loving and caring for them.

Down Time

I think I had a 1-day flu or something. Tuesday
I felt terrible, but today, I'm whole lot better. 

For the past couple days I've been forced to stay home with some some sort of virus. Achy like the flu, congested and stuffy, you know...the works. I'm sure that part of the reason why I crashed was because I was burning the candle at both ends; starting early in the morning and getting done late at night. It's just not a recipe for good health. Nevertheless, I was forced to go home, go to bed early, and get some rest. I'm feeling a lot better today, but I know that this is a recovery day, not the time to go head-long back in to all-out office time.

Being down has made me think about people who are down emotionally, spiritually. What do you do when you're down? Being down forces you to take inventory and assess where you are and why. But being down is also a good time to take action, and handle some personal business. There are some things that you've been putting off or even ignoring that really need to be done.

Here's what I need to do.

1. School starts in just a few days, and I've been putting off filling out these financial aid forms and scholarship applications. I need money for school, and I'm way behind.
2. I gotta clean this house. My wife gave me specific instructions before she left for the inauguration and she'll be back in a few days too. There's no way I'm gonna let her see this mess.
3. I need to finish this post...and I'm actually supposed to be working on book #4 right now. My editor is waiting.

There so much that I need to, but how about you? What are you gonna do with your down time? 

Make a list of those things that you've been putting
off. Then commit yourself to tackling them one by one.

Now that you have a little time off from work, this is a good time to get it done. House repairs? Read that new book? Look for another job? You've been taking care of your mom for years, don't you think this is a good time to go back to school now that she's passed away? You spent your whole life caring for your kids and now they're gone, don't you think it's a good time to do something to refill your cup (Hi Mom!). You're on house arrest for a really stupid decision, well then maybe now is a good time to start building a new circle of friends and new habits. You just had a really nasty break-up. You thought this one was "the one," but apparently not. Maybe now's a good time to become "the right one" rather than resume the search to find "the right one."

The clock's ticking. Down time doesn't last forever. How will you spend yours?

The Prison Pajamas of Hate

I just had the privilege of watching The Boy in the Striped Pajamas and I am almost speechless...almost.  The film is set in the midst of Hitler's Germany during WWII. The main character is an eight year-old boy, Bruno whose father is the commanding officer of a concentration camp. We are granted to to view the situation through the eyes of innocent little Bruno as he tries to make sense of this very terribly confusing ordeal. I watched the movie with a group of pastors seeking to utilize the film as a springboard for a discussion on the ethics and theological themes that are represented. There are numerous powerful concepts. I couldn't possibly exhaust them all here. Nevertheless, here are a few:

Loss
Everybody loses in this film. I will be careful not to spoil the plot, but there is a whole lot of loss throughout. Loss of life, identity, homeland, freedom, family, friendship, etc. However, one of the primary losses is Bruno's loss of innocence. Poor little Bruno has to grapple with the conflict between the heroism he expects from his father, and the fact that his father is responsible for this morally depraved situation he's witnessing.

Dehumanization
I am reminded of Mrs. Krauer's 12th grade literature class wherein she made us read Elie Wiesel's Night. I remember writing a term paper for the class which required us to discuss how Wiesel deals with this concept of dehumanization.  Striped Pajamas makes this concept crystal clear. Simply put, the Germans thought the Jews were scum. I think "filthy worthless vermin" was the specific phrase that was employed. If you are anything less than a human being, then there is no need for restraint against the despicable things I might do to you.

Imprisonment
Hate imprisons us. And this is where it gets really sad b/c the true prisoners in the movie are the Germans. They are the ones who are mentally enslaved by propaganda and public opinion. They are the ones who are locked in their own home; unable to relate and reach out to the world around them. They are the ones who are not free to love, listen, and learn from others. And although he is a "free" German, Bruno is actually the boy in the striped pajamas...of hate.

There is so much more in the film, but I suppose the most beneficial word I can say about it is...watch it! After watching it myself, I am definitely impressed to love more deeply and freely. I see again the depth of the destructive power of bigotry and racism. I see the the power of friendship and forgiveness. I am convinced to shed the prison pajamas of hate.

During our discussion, one of the pastors shared a story of his terrible upbringing and the hate that he harbored in his heart toward his family because of it. He said he was suffering with cancer and ulcers that he was told was killing him. In part of the process of preparing to die, he went to make amends and apologize to a number of his relatives. He did and shortly thereafter he went back to the doctor and found that his ulcers were all gone. And years later, he's still living, cancer appears to be in remission, and health seems to be under control. Hate kills, but love sets the captives free.