Stop Complaining Start Praying (Growth Maxims Pt.2)

Commit to stop complaining and start expressing your
thankfulness for everything that is good in your life.

A few days ago I posted the first part of this and promised that I would give explanations as to how they work, so here it is. I am convinced that anyone who applies these principles will find the process of pain, loss, and grief to be be very fruitful and productive. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. So here we go

1. Complaining poisons my perspective.

Two verses, one concept. "In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you" (1 Thess. 5:18). "Rejoice in the lord always, and again I say rejoice"(Phil. 4:4).

The verses are very clear and the concept is very simple. Stop complaining and be grateful. It's very easy to say, but not so easy to do. But the reason why this is so important is also very simple and clear. No matter what has happened to you, whether you have lost a loved one through death, whether divorce, car accident, sickness, lay-off, lawsuit, or some other terrible circumstance; it could be so much worse. I lost my dad last year, and the way in which I lost him made the circumstances so much more devastating, but then I met this lady just a few weeks ago who in the span of a few months lost her mom, dad, and husband. True story. Losing my dad was hard, but the thought of losing all three of them at once is too much to stomach.  I couldn't imagine losing my mom right now. And I won't even attempt to think what I would do without my wife. So again no matter what's going on, it could be so much worse.

Imagine for a moment what its like to have been born in abject poverty of a third-world country. The images abound of young orphans scavenging for food in the landfills. Their entire day is one long quest to find food and survive. Then there are the countries where the ravages of war are constantly tearing communities, villages, and families apart. Imagine what it's like to live under the constant threat of tyranny, disaster, and the impending doom of war. No matter where you are, it could so much worse.

Commit to stop complaining! A couple years ago I started this campaign at my church where I said we were "campaigning against complaining". That's it! We have be determined to restrain ourselves from the temptation to complain. No matter what we have or where we are we can be thankful and grateful for something. Even in hardship and difficulty there is something to be grateful for. Even in death I can be thankful for the memories and the life that was. Even if the person who died was not a personal of good moral standards, we can be grateful for the lessons that we learned from their life. It is a stretch, I know, but that's what a commitment to gratefulness requires; scrounging for the glimmer of goodness and hope to celebrate with rather than focusing on the negative.

2. Prayer positions us for peace.

Instead of complaining to/with your
friends, commit to praying with them.

This second one is closely related to the first. Misery loves company. So when we're having a rough spell we'll call up one of our friends and vent to them. The problem is, that's normally where we'll spiral into a negative spirit. Our friends chime in and we go back and forth with the toxic talk. Venting to our friends is complaining. Venting to God is prayer. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes it can be healthy to call up a friend and get it all out the system. But once I get it out, then my next move (especially if I have a godly friend) is to turn to God in prayer and lay all my burdens at His feet. The true friend will do just that. "Okay, I hear what you're saying. So let's pray." We need to pray and trust that God knows, God hears, and God answers.

However, there is a formula for prayer that is extra significant here. "Be careful (anxious) for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known unto God" (Phil. 4:6). It's so important to lay everything before God, to "pray without ceasing," and let every stressor be given over to God (1 Thess. 5:17). But it's just as important that when we pray and lay our burdens down that we would thank God and acknowledge what he has already done. We must pray with thanksgiving so that the work of God is always prominent focus. Our focus is nor primarily what we want or how we feel, but rather who God is, what He's done, and what He wants. We are blessed, and our prayers should always reflect our gratefulness more than our gripes.

In the next post I will deal with the last two. As for now, take these two and call me in the morning. I challenge you to do them and watch how your joy will flourish in the midst of hardship.

30 Years 30 Lessons

Today I celebrated my 30th birthday. ♪♫Happy Birthday to me! ♪♫Happy Birthday to me!♪♫...

I am always very reflective on my birthday, but this one even more so (for obvious reasons). I've been thinking quite a lot about my own development and so I thought I might compile a list of proverbs, concepts, maxims, and ideas that have become valuable to me on my journey. I thought to spend this entire week leading up to today reminding myself and sharing with others these wonderful truths that I have gained so much from. Thus I spent the entire week tweeting and facebooking (is that a word???) about them. Many of you have responded and expressed thanks and even requested the entire list. Well, here it is. I must add that this is by no means an exhaustive list. There are so many wonderful lessons I've been given over the years and I have listed here a mere sampling. I struggled to determine which ideas I might include and which should be set aside for another time (like say...40 at 40). Nevertheless, feel free to take them, share them, and make them your own. More importantly, use them in you growth journey, As I have in mine. Even as I wrote them and I review them I am reminded of how far I still have to travel. He's still working on me. So then let's grow together. Here's 30 lessons from 30 years.

1. Mentors are like living cheat sheets. Use them often.
2. Academic preparation is like sharpening a knife. You don’t have to do it, but it’s so much easier if you do.
3. The Bible is the most entertaining, intellectually stimulating, and spiritually invigorating book you will ever read. Read it often.
4. Everyone who follows you, accepts your friend request, works with you, talks to you and smiles at you, is not your friend.
5. You don’t have to be an expert at everything, but you should be in expert in something and then know a lot of other experts.
6. Be Nice! People will do anything for you if they like you.
7. Concerning love, be patient. In time you will either grow closer together or further apart.
8. Sex is not for kids (people who don’t pay their own bills). Unmarried Adults have more resources to deal with the consequences. Kids don’t.
9. The people who are cool in real adult life are usually not the people who were cool in high school.
10. We have 2 eyes and 2 ears and 1 mouth so that we can watch, listen, and learn twice as much as we speak up b/c we already know the answer.
11. If you make this decision now, think how will it affect your life 5 mins, 5 days, 5 mos., and 5 yrs from now.
12. Readers are leaders. Writers are fighters.
13. You're a sucker if you don't save. Debt is slavery. Stop begging banks for money.
14. In marriage, appreciation goes a long way. Say thank you.
15. A lot of what we think is love is actually lust, or at least infatuation.
16. Setting goals is a lot like writing history before it happens.
17. Plan your work and work your plan because those who fail to plan, plan to fail.
18. School & work are investments into your own future. Your work seals your wealth.
19. Devotion is like breakfast. You can eat it anytime, but it's best in the morning.
20. God is never in a rush for anything. Jesus never ran anywhere. Be patient.
21. Complaining is contagious. Don’t contaminate the air.
22. The best sex is actually a really deep private conversation (between married people) that turned into body language.
23. Do your best to say the right thing, the right way, at the right time.
24. Do your best to be in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, for the right reason.
25. Family first. If you die your employer will just replace you; your spouse and kids can’t live without you.
26. Children need answers to two major questions (1) am I loved? and (2) can I do whatever I want?
27. Children are little mirrors. They’re also our little teachers (it just stinks when they think they know more than adults).
28. Straight A’s come from diligence, not genius. Anybody can earn them.
29. Know it alls are sometimes impressive, usually ignorant, but always annoying. Don’t be one.
30. Fear no-body and no-thing. God is in control.

Growth Maxims for Grieving

Me along with J.R. and his media manager Cynthia Snyder
J.R. exhibits a kind of radiance and resilience that is very rare.

A few weeks ago I sat down with 2011 Dancing with the Stars champion J.R. Martinez and we talked about his life, his struggles, and his victories. I wrote an article about our exchange which will appear in an upcoming issue of Message Magazine. After I wrote the article the editor contacted me and said, "We need a practical component to your piece. We have to add some practical tips to help people get through their rough spots. What makes J.R. tick? How did he overcome adversity?" My reply was, "Great idea!" And back to the drawing board I went. If you wanna know more about his life, check out my previous post about his story. If you want his secret tips, you're gonna have to get the magazine when it comes out and read the article.

Nevertheless, I recognize great value in the venture. People need tools they can use. After a tragic event they ask the question, "What am I supposed to do now?" I hear you loud and clear and I want to equip you to grow while you're grieving. So I'm going to offer you four principles for processing pain, or rather four growth maxims.

4Growth Maxims for Grieving

1. Complaining poisons my perspective.
2. Prayer positions me for perfect peace.
3. God's grace is more powerful than my pain.
4. God is the most precious possession.

There you have it! Pretty simple, yet powerful concepts that will help ensure that you're growing through it when you're "going through it." Over the next couple posts I'll flesh them out so that you can get a good idea of how they work. Until then, keep going and keep growing. 

FLIGHT

Yesterday, my wife and I celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary. Among my gifts to her was a night off to do whatever she wanted to do--whether shopping, talking, or skydiving, the night was hers to decide. We left our son with some friends for a few hours and off we went. After dinner, she made her choice. "I wanna see a movie." And so despite the fact that movie-going is not on my idea list for anniversary date night...off to the movies we went.  There was not much that we cared to see so we chose the newest film starring Denzel Washington, Flight. I remember seeing the preview and thinking to myself, that looks good. But boy was I unprepared for the emotional roller-coaster that this film was gonna take us on.

On the surface, flight is about well...flight...and (in particular) a gifted airline pilot named Whip Whitaker (Washington) and his heroics in a plane crash, but the movie is really about addiction and how that same pilot (gifted as he is) is a reckless, yet functional alcoholic, and drug addict. I was disturbed that I related to this concept all too well. I have known many functional drug addicts, but I was unaware of the depth of difficulty of such a thing until I met my father.

(Even now I am reluctant to share this, but I write with the hope that someone might benefit.)

I met him in 2004 and as we parted from this our first real meeting, he asked me to borrow $10 and then for a ride to a seedy neighborhood.  I dropped him off with a puzzled look, but without a second thought. I was just happy to finally meet the man. Hindsight is 20/20. He was battling a serious drug habit, yet was surprisingly functional. At the time he was serving in the student life department at Morris Brown College (an HBCU) and when it lost its accreditation he moved on to Morehouse College. As far as I know the bottom fell out in 2006 when his dad (my grandfather) died in 2006. I don't know all the details but I do know this. When you mix broken relationships, unemployment, grief, depression, and drug addiction, you get a dangerously deadly cocktail. Back to Denzel and Flight.

There was a very strong theme in the movie that suggested that the plane crash was "an act of God." Then, a number of characters (on numerous occasions) attempt to put it in perspective for him suggesting that the tragedy made manifest God's intention to save his life and help him save others.

I wanna take a second to clear up one thing; especially in the wake of the terrible tragedy in Newton, Connecticut last week. God does not cause disaster, tragedy, and trauma. Nevertheless, with limitless power He is able to orchestrate all events so that it may result in greater good than grief (see Rom. 8:28).  God is a big boy. He can handle the accusations and blame leveled at Him by those who know Him least. But that still does not make Him distant, vindictive, malicious, or maniacal.
(Narrator steps down off of soapbox)

Now back to Flight.

I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it, but would like to see it.  However, I will say that this was the most vivid portrayal of the dynamism of addiction than I have ever seen. I highly recommend it. It is very difficult to watch in that it has some very "graphic" scenes, but it is still a very important and powerful story. I fear that I will actually spill the beans, and so I should probably go ahead and close this, but let me first say this. Over the past few months, I have been doing a lot of writing and work about trauma, grief, and the like. I am convinced that God can use any event or experience to take us to higher heights and to draw us closer to Himself.

My father Charles T. Charlton Jr. pictured
here ca.1982, committed suicide on 1/4/11. 

There are so many unanswered questions I have about Whip. What led him to drink? Why couldn't his family help him? How did he fall so far? Why didn't he get help sooner? But I think that's the point of the movie. Those questions are left unanswered to inorder to painstakingly illustrate what rock-bottom looks like. And so with that said I must say, if you are experiencing difficulty coping with life and the hand that you've been dealt, please get help. If it's something considerably small (yet difficult still) like worrying or doubt, talk to someone like a friend or family member. If the trouble is more serious like insomnia or depression, or even more serious as with drug abuse or domestic violence, please seek professional support. Take it from me, there are many people who will thank you later.

When my father committed suicide it rocked our family. No one close to him could say that they didn't know he had some struggles, but we were all still shocked and devastated by losing him. We all still miss him, and we wish he could've gotten the help he needed. He would have loved to see how smart little Christopher is becoming.  He did see me get my masters degree, but when I receive me my doctorate, he wont be in the stands. He can no longer visit me on spring break. And I can no longer call him when the class assignments are piling up. You can get help. You can win at life. You can beat this thing...no matter what it is.

Your wings have been clipped by circumstance and tragedy, but you can...you will learn to fly again. You've been grounded and your flight delayed because of the the things you have done and because of the things that have happened to you, but maybe God allowed it because He wants to teach you how to truly fly high. You just wait and see. "But they that wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint" (Isaiah 40:31). God specializes in bringing good out of your grief. He loves to see you gain victory over hardship. He longs to get you your wings back. He wants to get you back to FLIGHT.

Trauma to Triumph

J.R. Martinez went from watching his hands melt in a burning
humvee, to delivering messages of healing to burn victims.

You've probably heard of J.R. Martinez.  Maybe you saw him win the 2011 season of ABC's Dancing With the Stars. Or maybe you've seen him on TV shows like All My Children and General Hospital. Or maybe you've read his new book, Full of Heart. But above all of that, you've probably seen him on one of the countless news channels that covered his personal story.  

In February of 2003, while serving in the Iraq War, Martinez was driving a humvee during a routine mission when it hit an IED. After the initial explosion, he was trapped in the vehicle where he recounts seeing the skin on his hands melting in the blazing fire.  He was rushed to Ramstein Air Force Base in Germany for emergency care then to military's own special unit for research and treatment of burn victims at the San Antonio Military Medical Center in San Antonio, Texas.  There he underwent a grueling three-year therapeutic and reconstructive process. 

Today, in addition to his writing and tv show appearances, he travels the country giving motivational speeches, and volunteering his service to burn victims and wounded soldiers. This year he also celebrated the birth of his daughter Lauryn Annabelle. You've probably hear of him, but you probably havent heard of Gerald Bailey.   

Gerald Bailey (right) pictured with group commander
when he received the purple heart for combat injury. 

Martinez and Bailey were both a part of Fort Campbell's 101st Airborne Division, 2nd Battalion, 502nd Infantry Regiment. The only difference: Martinez was assigned to Delta company, while Bailey was assigned to Charlie company.  Nevertheless, they were brothers in arms.  And in December of 2003, just months after Martinez's horrific accident, Bailey was terribly wounded in battle.  His team was performing a raid on a safe-house in Mosul, Iraq, in search of a known insurgent leader.  Bailey helped his team over the compound wall, then kicked in the door where through his night vision goggles he saw an enemy insurgent armed with an AK-47 assault rifle. 

Bailey was shot and the bullet travelled through the side of his neck and lodged in his right shoulder. He too was life-flighted to Germany where doctors performed emergency surgery. From there, he was taken Walter Reed Army Hospital in D.C. where he would undergo numerous subsequent surgeries. 

Today, he has retired after twenty years of service, but he stays close by Fort Campbell where he assists soldiers who were injured in battle, and those who suffer from PTSD associated with war through a support group called Wounded Warriors. He and his wife Bernadette have four children of their own, but they also serve as surrogate parents to numerous at-risk children through foster parenting.

Keyon Dooling recently shocked the basketball world when
he abrutly ended his NBA career, citing he needed healing.

You've also probably heard of Keyon Dooling.  He's not the most recognizable star, but a familiar face to any NBA fan nonetheless.  He's spent over twelve years on the world's biggest basketball stage, as a utility guard for teams like the Orlando Magic, L.A. Clippers, Milwaukee Bucks, and most recently the Boston Celtics.

Dooling made national news recently when he abruptly retired from the NBA after a nervous breakdown and a short stint in a psychiatric hospital.  He later revealed that he has long suffered with pent-up anxiety from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. He cited years of masking and helping others without himself being helped that led to his breaking point.  After weeks of treatment, ongoing therapy, medication, and a praying wife, Latosha, Dooling is back in the locker room.  This time not as a player, but as the Boston Celtics' newly appointed Director of Player Development.  

Dooling has long been seen as a big brother in the locker room for younger players. He gives them advice about everything from making it in the league, to finances, to helping them deal with their personal problems. Now he gets to do that full time. He's also spending lots more time speaking out about abuse and trauma on TV shows and at public events.  

After losing both parents and suffering terrible abuse,
Joe Williams has dedicated his life to healing others.

Again, Keyon Dooling is not a superstar, but he's known for being an efficient utility guard.  He reminds me a lot of Joseph Williams. Williams has a pretty sharp basketball skills too.  He's a smooth ball handler and a nifty scorer. He's not an NBA vet like Dooling, but they're both hoopers, and they both suffered childhood abuse.

He was only 2 years old when his mother was murdered by another woman. Right after his mother was killed, his father abandoned him and he was taken in by a lesbian couple. That's where the abuse took place. Then there are stories of running away, foster homes, group homes, detention centers, and even an attempted suicide. In his own words, "It was a mess."

Today he is a certified staff chaplain for Community Hospice Inc. in Modesto, CA. He frequently posts stories of care and healing from his experiences on his webpage. In addition to that he can regularly be found in various pulpits throughout the central California area preaching the word of God.  He is indeed a wounded healer.

From J.R. Martinez, to Gerald Bailey, from Keyon Dooling to Joe Williams, the world is filled with men and women who have suffered great terror and trauma only to experience God's miraculous power of providence, healing, and restoration. Yet, these are not the first nor the last. They serve as reminders of men and women of ancient times who have also suffered extreme test, trial, and trauma. The three Hebrew boys were thrown into a flaming furnace. Daniel was thrown into a lion's den. David had to escape for his life from King Saul. And Mephibosheth was dropped as a baby and paralyzed from the waist down.  There were so many others Joseph, Job, Jeremiah, Paul...the list goes on and on.  

But the most compelling story of all, is that of Jesus Christ. He was falsely accused and arraigned in a kangaroo court. Then he was brutally whipped until the flesh was hanging from his body. He was sentenced to die even though they had not proved him guilty. They forced him to carry a criminal's cross uphill, and there they nailed his hands and feet to the splintering wood and hung him there in presence of the townspeople and passers-by.  He hung his head, died, and was buried in a borrowed tomb. But that's where the story get's really good because on Sunday morning he rose from the dead. And it is his triumph over death that makes our triumph after trauma possible. 

Divorce is the New Death (Divorce Pt.3/final)

In my last post we explored relationships that start poorly and how they lead to troubled marriages. We use as a sort of case study the story of the love triangle that is Abram, Sarai, and Hagar's relationship (found in Genesis). We pick up the story where we left off, as we see their home become a war zone which leads to a final split.

Everything seems to be going fine until Abram and Hagar actually conceive a child.  Then the very point of tension floods to the surface. Hagar's pregnancy highlights Sarai's barrenness.  Sarai is afraid that Hagar will take her place as Abram's primary choice.  Thus, she determines to make life miserable for Hagar.  Notice that all the mistreatment towards Hagar comes from Sarai.  Sarai blames Abram for the for the uncomfortable situation, but Abram's reply to Sarai is to “Do with her whatever you think best” (Gen. 16:6b NIV).  When the harassment ensues Abram tries to remain aloof.  I believe that in this Abram actually expresses a sort of passive affection toward Hagar.  He cares too much for her to join in the abuse.  Nevertheless, the homestead has become a war zone.

Maybe we can't relate to this particular context, yet anyone who has experienced divorce will understand what it's like for a home to become a war zone.  It's a war fought with words hurled back and forth with cursing, yelling, insults, lies, half truths, screaming, arguments, threats, and other verbal weapons of mass destruction.  There are even physical wars which include fist fights, rape, stabbings, and shootings.  Then, worst yet, are the “Cold Wars.”  These are wars of silence and espionage.  No words are exchanged...at all.  No affection.  No smiles.  No love.  All the while both sides stockpile weapons waiting on the other side to strike first so that they might have good reason to unleash a full-scale assault.  Without a peace treaty or some other form of intervention these types of conflicts can only end one way...carnage, destruction, and death

Hagar's response was typical.  She left.  She did what anyone else would do.  It's only a matter of time in the course of war before one side to simply retreats. When one person leaves the problems can no longer be avoided or concealed.  Now it becomes public knowledge that there are major problems with the marriage.  And usually, by the time a person leaves the relationship is pass repair.  Now there are times when the marriage can be salvaged after a separation, but these instances are the exception; not the rule.

It's in these moments of brokenness and loss that we begin to recognize our deep need for counsel and strength.  Whereas, we might not know how to move forward, we know for sure we don't want go back to the way things were. Sad to say that this level of brokenness is what it often takes for God to get through to us.  Maybe this is when I'll start going back to church, or go seek counseling, or call the pastor for special prayer and spiritual support.  It's right at this extremely low point that God shows up and gives great encouragement. The angel of the Lord comes to Hagar and convinces her to return home.  In addition he tacks onto the command a number of promises relating to the well-being of her son.

Hagar is convinced.  So she goes back to Abram.  And isn't this how it works? You're convinced that things can work out.  God can do anything.  He can turn things around.  He can help us patch things up.  We'll get counseling.  We'll start spending more time together; start talking more, and stop all the fighting.  We can work it out.

Hagar goes home and Ishmael is born.  And all of sudden, the stakes are much higher.  There's more at risk now because this newborn baby imbibes everything that makes up the home environment.  It's amazing the things they are able to pick up on too.  We think that we are shielding them from certain things, yet they're much sharper and observant than we like to give them credit for.  They hear the late night arguments.  They know when we're angry with each other.  The problem is that the vast majority of their understanding of life, themselves, the world, and God is developed from their relation with mom and dad and the relationship that they witness between them.  Therefore, the emotional and relational instability in the home has earthshaking implications for the children. To see mom and dad breaking up means that their world is crumbling apart.

Ishmael is able to grow and develop in close relation with his dad Abram (now known as Abraham), and they have a number of good years, but after Ishmael turns thirteen everything changes (see Gen. 17).  This is about the time that Abraham's wife Sarai (now Sarah) is promised that she will give birth to a son.  The following year she finally becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son—Isaac.  Instead of focusing on the long-awaited, elusive blessing of her newborn baby, she turns her attention (once again) to her supposed threat and demands that Ishmael and Hagar be sent away for good (see Gen. 21).

It turns out that as much as things change, things stay the same.  Hagar came back but the situation never really changed.  There was still tension and fighting.  They were still distrustful and manipulative towards each other.  This is not going to work out.  We gave it a second shot and it's clear that you will never change.  Maybe you can change, but I cannot wait for you to change and it's not my job to change you. I think it's just best that we go our separate ways.  Sound familiar?

I wonder how it must have felt for Abraham to pack that final care package and watch his son and his “wife” walk off into the horizon.  The Bible does make it crystal clear that “the matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son” (Gen. 21:11 NIV).  He didn't want to lose his son.  I'm sure he had watched Sarah and Hagar fighting, manipulating, and manipulating so much that he knew something had to give before the two of them tore each other apart.  Yet, he loved his son Ishmael deeply.  He had prayed that God would extend His blessing over Ishmael as well as Isaac (see Gen. 17:18).  He wanted the best for his son and he couldn't bear the thought of losing him and expecting his mother to care for him on her own. 

And let's be careful not to short change the significance of the relationship that he shared with Hagar.  It is rare that you meet a man who wishes ill-will on the mother of his children.  I'm sure they exist, but it's like finding shark teeth on the beach—that's not something you see everyday.  Besides these two have shared meaningful, loving exchanges for nearly fifteen years.  They laughed, cried, and smiled together.  They have a real bond.  This is a loss.  And on top of that he is losing a faithful servant from his household.  This is a loss—a big loss.

This isn't fair.  This is painful.  This is divorce.  It is hurt.  It is brokenness.  It is loss.

Speaking of loss, when we talk about divorce we always talk about the spiritual, relational, and emotional brokenness, but what about the financial loss and even vocational loss.  Divorce demands breaking up and splitting up the stuff: the house, the cars, the alimony, child support, with court costs and lawyer fees ad-nauseam.  So after the smoke clears and the dust settles I'm not only broken, but I'm also broke. 

Man, this hurts.  This is divorce.  Divorce is the new death.

How the Drama Starts (Divorce Pt.2)

DISCLAIMER: All marriage relationships are different. Therefore, it is not my intention to generalize any one person's circumstances. My goal here is to explore common issues and concepts that affect many marriages. By looking at biblical characters with similar circumstances I try to draw parallels to our own experience and find principles that we can apply to our own lives. I pray that you are enriched. If you are currently experiencing a divorce or separation I pray for God's richest manifestations of healing and restoration over you and your family. God bless.

Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian slave named Hagar; so she said to Abram, “The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my slave; perhaps I can build a family through her.” Abram agreed to what Sarai said. So after Abram had been living in Canaan ten years, Sarai his wife took her Egyptian slave Hagar and gave her to her husband to be his wife. He slept with Hagar, and she conceived. When she knew she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress. Then Sarai said to Abram, “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my slave in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the Lord judge between you and me.” “Your slave is in your hands,” Abram said. “Do with her whatever you think best.” Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her. The angel of the Lord found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?” “I’m running away from my mistress Sarai,” she answered. Then the angel of the Lord told her, “Go back to your mistress and submit to her.” The angel added, “I will increase your descendants so much that they will be too numerous to count.” (Gen. 16:1-10 NIV)

Now I already know what you're thinking, “Abram and Hagar weren't really married! God never blessed that relationship.”  While I understand and sympathize with the rationale, I think that the issue is a bit more complex than we like to make it.  So just indulge me here, and please note that the text actually says that Sarai gave Hagar “to her husband to be his wife” (Gen. 16:3 NIV).  There was no other social construct to describe such a relationship of long-term domestic partnership that included conceiving, bearing, and rearing children.  Albeit misdirected and ill-advised, it was indeed a marital relationship.

I actually agree with you.  This whole thing with Abram and Hagar was never God's plan.  And this thing was doomed to fail from the beginning.  However, let's not overlook the fact that polygamy was the norm in that time and society.  But we also have to consider what it was that they were trying to accomplish.  This was not a simplistic attempt to keep in step with societal norms.  This was a ploy in the mind of his wife (Sarai) to help bring about God's will according by their own means.  And for that reason it was doomed before it even got started.

But let's face it, a lot of marriages start just like Abram and Hagar's did.  We overlooked a glaring flaw or tried to ignore a major red flag.  You knew he had major control issues.  You knew she was self-centered and materialistic.  Yet, you moved in together anyway reasoning that "everybody test drives before they buy."  And after the wedding, red flags turn into real problems.  In other words, what was easy to overlook in the dating stage is not so easy to ignore after the vows because marriage has brought us too close to really hide character flaws and inconsistencies.  Even some of the things that were thought to be cute are suddenly annoying as time goes by, so surely the weak points of character will begin to weigh on the relationship.

Then, there were those parents and mentors who tried to counsel us against getting married.  They said we're too young, we should wait, we should get counseling, we should finish school first, we should get a job and save some money, but we didn't listen to counsel because we knew we were in love and we could make it work.  Boy were we in for a rude awakening?  We had no idea that it would be this hard.  It's amazing how problems don't just go away if you "just drop the issue."  They just fester, spoil, and get worse and worse.

The Big "D"

My wife and I spent the bulk of last year praying for marriages and families.  Most of our prayers were directed towards three couples in particular.  These three couples were people that we really love and look up to.  One couple was one she grew up seeing.  Another was one I grew up around.  And the third was one that we both came to know as adults.  They've each been married for as long as we can remember, and so these are the type of couples that when you think of a good marriage...these people come to mind.  They were models for us.

I do have good news...we did pray a whole lot.

As for the marriages...not so good.

All three of them ended in divorce.

Divorce has devastating implications for community as well as for the couple.  We could spend all day and all night talking about how the local community is negatively impacted by a splintered family.

I think about the couples that I know and love.  Having been raised in a single parent home I learned to revere married couples.  I romanticized the marriage relationship; seeing it as a sort of holy grail or sacred treasure to be sought after and attained.  These super couples became my idols or at least models of what a family should look like.  You want to do it right, and these couples indirectly train you on how it ought to work. 

The community draws strength and encouragement and hope for their own future that they too can live “happily ever after.” The community is warmed by their affection for each other.  Onlookers search for the security displayed in the support and fidelity they share.  Passers-by are impressed by the idyllic sweetness of joyful exchanges between parents and their children.  It's a beautiful sight to behold.  And then the unthinkable happens. 

Our community's bastion of hope and sweetness is obliterated by legal papers, court hearings, litigation, and court rulings.  But these aren't the people that actually really matter when the judge's gavel strikes the sound block.  It's the family itself: the extended family, the married couple, and the children that suffer the most.

For many people in our society marriage is almost a joke. News reports and gossip columns are riddled with countless stories of matchstick marriages.  People are beginning to lose faith in the sanctity of marriage.  Nevertheless, no one gets married with the intent to get divorced.  There is always an amazing and wistful story that they're able to tell about when they first met.  They were head over heels; thinking about each other at every waking moment.  Phone calls, love letters, emails, late night conversations, long dates, and tons of other memories filled the love bank until they determined to cash in for joint accounts.  

And then everybody remembers their wedding.  Just a few weeks ago I attended my cousin's wedding.  I was so proud of him.  He stood there with his tuxedo and white tie and pledged his love to his long time girlfriend.  You should've seen this guy when we were getting dressed.  He was so nervous, you would think he was going to the electric chair.  Funny thing is, as we journeyed up the stairwell from the basement of the church, his best man made the echoing cry, “Dead man walking!”  We all laughed.  He stood there and recited his own vows in front of all those people.  He was so nervous.  I was nervous for him.  It made me remember my own wedding.

I was trying to smile as I saw my bride walking down that center aisle.  I was so happy, and she was so beautiful.  Again, I tried to smile, but I couldn't stop my lips from quivering.  My lips were quivering. My legs were shaking.  I was as nervous as a six year old in a stage play. 

No one stands at the altar planning to construct the nastiest divorce story ever told.  No one schemes about breaking the heart of the one they love while lighting the unity candle.  People plan to live happily ever after.  I suppose that's what makes the wedding so nerve-racking.  It's not the wedding we're nervous about; it's the marriage.  In the back of our mind we worry, “What if I don't measure up? What if it doesn't work out?  What if we fail?”

I suppose it's fitting to take a commercial here and point out that the average US wedding today costs over $27,000 dollars.  That's enough money to buy a really nice pre-owned Mercedes, pay off a student loan debt, or put a down payment on a very nice home! With people spending all this money on getting married it begs the question of how much money they're willing to spend to stay married.  In other words, we have to start teaching young people to invest a fortune in their future marriage more-so than their wedding ceremony.

Nevertheless, we had the big ceremony, and after that...life happened.  We were focused on our careers, we had kids, took out a couple car loans, bought a house, our dog had puppies, she went back to school to get another degree, and somewhere along the way we lost touch.  Isn't that how it goes?  It's something like that.  Maybe not quite in that order, but in the midst of all the obstacles that life throws at you the marriage becomes a circumstantial appendage rather than the centerpiece of the life experience.

It doesn't take long for a person's true self to surface in the marriage relationship.  Or should I say, weaknesses.  In courtship a person puts their best foot forward with the intent to knock the significant other off their feet.  But in marriage, the goal of winning her love has (in actuality) already been reached, so the game changes.  Romantic love becomes secondary to getting promoted, making partner, and paying bills.  Thus a person's shortcomings rise to the surface of visibility, and often can become so glaring in the absence of past romantic escapades that it can serve a major shock to the newlyweds.

The tension mounts, but how do you fix it?  I barely know how to change a tire, or balance a budget.  How do you fix a marriage?  On top of that, the tools aren't immediately available.  Meanwhile, life is happening and the marriage gets put on the back-burner.  Before you know it, years have passed since we slept together.  I was just too busy with work and getting the kids back and forth to school to acknowledge how bad it was. In many cases it's apparent that for a couple who splits; they were single long before they got divorced.