Sunday, November 18, 2012

Divorce is the New Death (Divorce Pt.3/final)


In my last post we explored relationships that start poorly and how they lead to troubled marriages. We use as a sort of case study the story of the love triangle that is Abram, Sarai, and Hagar's relationship (found in Genesis). We pick up the story where we left off, as we see their home become a war zone which leads to a final split.

Everything seems to be going fine until Abram and Hagar actually conceive a child.  Then the very point of tension floods to the surface. Hagar's pregnancy highlights Sarai's barrenness.  Sarai is afraid that Hagar will take her place as Abram's primary choice.  Thus, she determines to make life miserable for Hagar.  Notice that all the mistreatment towards Hagar comes from Sarai.  Sarai blames Abram for the for the uncomfortable situation, but Abram's reply to Sarai is to “Do with her whatever you think best” (Gen. 16:6b NIV).  When the harassment ensues Abram tries to remain aloof.  I believe that in this Abram actually expresses a sort of passive affection toward Hagar.  He cares too much for her to join in the abuse.  Nevertheless, the homestead has become a war zone.

Maybe we can't relate to this particular context, yet anyone who has experienced divorce will understand what it's like for a home to become a war zone.  It's a war fought with words hurled back and forth with cursing, yelling, insults, lies, half truths, screaming, arguments, threats, and other verbal weapons of mass destruction.  There are even physical wars which include fist fights, rape, stabbings, and shootings.  Then, worst yet, are the “Cold Wars.”  These are wars of silence and espionage.  No words are exchanged...at all.  No affection.  No smiles.  No love.  All the while both sides stockpile weapons waiting on the other side to strike first so that they might have good reason to unleash a full-scale assault.  Without a peace treaty or some other form of intervention these types of conflicts can only end one way...carnage, destruction, and death

Hagar's response was typical.  She left.  She did what anyone else would do.  It's only a matter of time in the course of war before one side to simply retreats. When one person leaves the problems can no longer be avoided or concealed.  Now it becomes public knowledge that there are major problems with the marriage.  And usually, by the time a person leaves the relationship is pass repair.  Now there are times when the marriage can be salvaged after a separation, but these instances are the exception; not the rule.

It's in these moments of brokenness and loss that we begin to recognize our deep need for counsel and strength.  Whereas, we might not know how to move forward, we know for sure we don't want go back to the way things were. Sad to say that this level of brokenness is what it often takes for God to get through to us.  Maybe this is when I'll start going back to church, or go seek counseling, or call the pastor for special prayer and spiritual support.  It's right at this extremely low point that God shows up and gives great encouragement. The angel of the Lord comes to Hagar and convinces her to return home.  In addition he tacks onto the command a number of promises relating to the well-being of her son.

Hagar is convinced.  So she goes back to Abram.  And isn't this how it works? You're convinced that things can work out.  God can do anything.  He can turn things around.  He can help us patch things up.  We'll get counseling.  We'll start spending more time together; start talking more, and stop all the fighting.  We can work it out.

Hagar goes home and Ishmael is born.  And all of sudden, the stakes are much higher.  There's more at risk now because this newborn baby imbibes everything that makes up the home environment.  It's amazing the things they are able to pick up on too.  We think that we are shielding them from certain things, yet they're much sharper and observant than we like to give them credit for.  They hear the late night arguments.  They know when we're angry with each other.  The problem is that the vast majority of their understanding of life, themselves, the world, and God is developed from their relation with mom and dad and the relationship that they witness between them.  Therefore, the emotional and relational instability in the home has earthshaking implications for the children. To see mom and dad breaking up means that their world is crumbling apart.

Ishmael is able to grow and develop in close relation with his dad Abram (now known as Abraham), and they have a number of good years, but after Ishmael turns thirteen everything changes (see Gen. 17).  This is about the time that Abraham's wife Sarai (now Sarah) is promised that she will give birth to a son.  The following year she finally becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son—Isaac.  Instead of focusing on the long-awaited, elusive blessing of her newborn baby, she turns her attention (once again) to her supposed threat and demands that Ishmael and Hagar be sent away for good (see Gen. 21).

It turns out that as much as things change, things stay the same.  Hagar came back but the situation never really changed.  There was still tension and fighting.  They were still distrustful and manipulative towards each other.  This is not going to work out.  We gave it a second shot and it's clear that you will never change.  Maybe you can change, but I cannot wait for you to change and it's not my job to change you. I think it's just best that we go our separate ways.  Sound familiar?

I wonder how it must have felt for Abraham to pack that final care package and watch his son and his “wife” walk off into the horizon.  The Bible does make it crystal clear that “the matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son” (Gen. 21:11 NIV).  He didn't want to lose his son.  I'm sure he had watched Sarah and Hagar fighting, manipulating, and manipulating so much that he knew something had to give before the two of them tore each other apart.  Yet, he loved his son Ishmael deeply.  He had prayed that God would extend His blessing over Ishmael as well as Isaac (see Gen. 17:18).  He wanted the best for his son and he couldn't bear the thought of losing him and expecting his mother to care for him on her own. 

And let's be careful not to short change the significance of the relationship that he shared with Hagar.  It is rare that you meet a man who wishes ill-will on the mother of his children.  I'm sure they exist, but it's like finding shark teeth on the beach—that's not something you see everyday.  Besides these two have shared meaningful, loving exchanges for nearly fifteen years.  They laughed, cried, and smiled together.  They have a real bond.  This is a loss.  And on top of that he is losing a faithful servant from his household.  This is a loss—a big loss.

This isn't fair.  This is painful.  This is divorce.  It is hurt.  It is brokenness.  It is loss.

Speaking of loss, when we talk about divorce we always talk about the spiritual, relational, and emotional brokenness, but what about the financial loss and even vocational loss.  Divorce demands breaking up and splitting up the stuff: the house, the cars, the alimony, child support, with court costs and lawyer fees ad-nauseam.  So after the smoke clears and the dust settles I'm not only broken, but I'm also broke. 

Man, this hurts.  This is divorce.  Divorce is the new death.

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